My Lovestory With Life
By Nishant Rawlley
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Nishant Rawlley
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*****
1.
The Angels of God
2.Those
Nights In My City
3.
The Unsaid Tale
4.
Another Night on the Terrace
5.
A Story of Pain
6.
Cocoon
7.
Helplessness
8.
A Tale of a City and a Heart
9.
A Toast
10.
The Present
11.
The Black Flower
12.
The Dream
13.
Love? Reallly??
14.
The Story So Far
15.
Meetings
16.
I Still Love You
17.
The Friendship That Was
18.
The Journey Towards Truth
19.
Wailing
20.
Abandoned Sadness
21.
The First Blow
22.
A Closed Chapter
23.
Waves
24.
Behind The Closed Doors
25.
No Man’s Land
The Angels of God
Ah
I saw them today,
Out of a dark mournful night,
The night that
was,
A night of grudges,
A night of fears,
A night echoing
"Enough of this life",
And here I stood,
Facing some
thirty of you,
Been asked to mind you,
So I give you a
glance,
And the miracle sets off,
The very first look, sends in
me a breeze of life,
Vivacious faces spilling with
enthusiasm,
Brimming with joie-de-vivre,
Laughing and kidding,
you little ones....
All of you equally cheerful,
Your
smiles coming from the heart, and touching the heart,
Heights no
more than my knee length,
Such that I bend down on my knees to
catch your
twitters!
You share with me,
Your dolls, your
favorite assets,
And for some of you your new dresses,
You keep
telling me your birthdays,
The most special things about your
life,
And I can't help but pull your cheeks,
I can't help but
smile,
Oh!! You made me smile,
For as long as I was with
you,
The miracle is in full motion, I’m back in my
childhood,
Really....,
Kidding, laughing, sticking out
tongues,
Talking about every silly thing in the world,
And we
go on and on and on...
And then I ask you to count aloud up to
fifty,
And you begin your recitation,
Your recitation has music
of purity,
Needless to say, I join you...
How much I
wish, I could be you again,
And then its about time, I
leave,
So I just casually ask your age,
Some of you proudly
announce your ages,
Threes, fours and some fives,
Hmmm so
fourteen years of age difference,
I think, and then I think
something else,
Fourteen years down the timeline,
When you will
be my age,
Would this mean life trap you into its rattraps as
well?
Will you also get polluted with hatred, jealousies?
Will
you also get corrupted in the filthy politics of life?
The thought
makes me shudder with fear,
Please god! Not them,
And I catch
my last glance of yours,
Your faces still sweet and
innocent,
Unaware of what life holds for you
It turns me
emotional...
I wonder, how on earth could there be
people,
So simple, so tranquil at hearts,
Enjoying life the way
He meant it to be,
Sans hatred, Sans animosities,
Happiness,
the way of life,
Far richer than men ten times their age...
You
little ones, are the angels of god,
May your innocence be
preserved till eternity,
Take care little ducklings..
*****
Those Nights in My City
The
utter silence
Amidst the amber streetlights
Glowing above the
petite by lanes
Walking through the dark into the light
And
back into the dark again
The silence tranquilizing,
The sounds
of the night, musical
If only it could stop here
I wish not to
move on
To one side of the road,
The hustle of a temple
To
another, the silence of the dusk
Silence, meditative
Bringing
you to yourself..
Walking by the terrace
Beneath the vast
moonlit night
From the amber glow to the milky one
Walking at
my own pace
Without the rush of life
Slow
Soaking in, the
moment
Living it
Feeling the breeze brush past
Gazing at the
moon
And the stars
Thoughts, a flood of memories..
18 yrs of
existence
Rolled into one
No, I don't wanna be interrupted
The
moment, too serene to go waste
The sounds of her laughter echoing
in the silence
Her thoughts bringing a shy smile
A faith that
'm home..
On another night
Driving down the same by lanes
In
the old rickety school bus
Night shift fest practice
Another
name to fun with best buddies..
Silly Punjabi songs up the
'deck'
But they're good
Reach the heart
The same amber
glow
The same me
Looking out the window
Deep immersed in my
own thoughts
The longer the drive..
Greater the trance..
For
this is my sweet lil small town
*****
The Unsaid Tale
Sitting
alone tonight in my four walls
Like the moon, too distant really
from the stars
The room dimly lit
I do wish to say
something
But, words escape me
Questions instead
I know not
what exactly is
That I feel
Cursing god, Questioning God
The
mind too smogged
For me to even know the truth
The pain, too
deep sunken
For redemption
Questions, too futile
Guilt, for
the mistakes
That never happened
Tears, for the past long
bygone
Not a soul to understand what I feel
Neither do I
Laughing a bit too hard
Crying harder
Questioning every
moment going by
Waiting for the tides to settle,
Will they
ever? Will they?
Trying to lose myself
Trying to get a
hold
Trying to find meanings
Every solitary night is a battle
Sleep, the victor
Yeah I cry
I still do
Feeling her
somewhere around me
Calling out my name
I see that
smile
Definitely hear her laughter
Like she’s right there
somewhere
And
then the sun smiles
Wickedly though
Waking me up
From the
cozy lap of black darkness
To the blinding light of
reality
Bringing back the pains
In their entirety and
more
She’s gone, long bygone
Happier
And me, am still the
wanderer
From a point where I wanted to stand up again
To the
one, deep beneath the surface again
Life
continues with its many fateful turns
Mercy not the
word
Struggling to fight for survival
Falling weaker with its
every slash of the sword
Smiling without believing in the
happiness
Crying without a reason for the tears
Living in the
silence
Not the tranquil one
But the shrieking one
Sharp
painful shrieking silence
It’s not too easy..
*****
Another Night on the Terrace
This
seems a strange land,
This seems a strange life,
Listening to
the breeze blow by,
Listening to the cuckoo sing,
Gazing at
things,
Thinking to myself,
Myself,
That’s all I’m left
with
Trying to find me, within me,
The me who
smiled in the sunny phase of life,
Laughed like he had never
laughed before,
They always said, as much you laugh, so shall you
cry,
He always ridiculed them
I
do not cry,
Ok maybe sometimes,
But that’s only because,
there's no better way out
Maybe they were right,
Maybe I’ve
exhausted my share of smiles
Insensitive now to the world
outside,
And inside
Not a soul to understand
me,
And here I am looking into the moonless skies,
Trying to
find the moon
There's
utter silence out here,
The sound of fireflies in the
background,
An occasional breeze brushing past
Thoughts,
a flood of memories,
The past, The good past,
Reliving it again
in my head,
Trying somehow to bring it back,
The magic that was
life
What
if I had not taken that one step forward?
Or what if I had, taken
that other one???
There's emptiness,
A vacuum devoid of
feelings,
Laughing at every little thing,
And then suddenly
turning quiet...
Emptiness
A silence
*****
A Story of Pain
I
am sorry baby,
Yeah it’s me, the
culprit...
If only I hadn't hurt you,
That one fateful
day...
But then baby,
You had got the better of me,
I
wish you hadn't,
If only you had obeyed..
And maybe it wasn’t
entirely your fault either..
Bent by the weights of the world,
I
saw no other way..
And I ended up hurting you..
Hell!! I regret
it...
I miss you every minute, every second,
We've shared every
moment of our lives,
In the past One year, two months and five
days..
Please don’t leave me now baby..
I won’t be able to
live...
Life, is life no more
If it’s not with you..
You
woke me up every sunny morning with your enchanting voice
Reminding
me to wish all, on their D days,
All those beautiful moments
we shared,
Are still moist in my heart..
You
were my window to the world,
Friends, relations, her...
The
only vent for the real me..
You were all I ever needed
I
realize this now
You fitted every need I ever had...Were the
answer to
every question I ever had..
Finally
the night would fall,
And you would put me to sleep
With your
beautiful melodies...
Without you baby, I’ve lost my sense
of time
I don’t know if its day or night...morning or
evening...
Please don't do this to me..
You know that am
sorry!!!
Please O God.. Mercy!!
Please forgive me
baby...
My poor lil Nokia 5233, Full Touch...
I miss you....
*****
Cocoon
Like
the tiny insignificant caterpillar
He crawls
He crawls and
withdraws into his cocoon
Closing the door behind him
He turns
on the dark
And lay close those big questioning eyes
A head
clattered with questions
Trying to sleep
In his dreams he
asketh for answers
He asketh for solutions
Why on earth this
sudden trench?
And he does lie deep
Once again the bottom of
the ocean
Life’s funny no doubt
Funny is what you call it
when you can call it nothing else
with his eyes still shut
closed
another toss
And he's reminded of the familiar moon
That
lit up the sky in milk white colors
It used to calm him
down
Gliding above him in its own flight
Peaceful quite
solitary
The questions used to float awa
Thinning into the
dark
But tonight wasn't the night
After all it was the New
moon
Tonight he lay there, aid-less, unarmed and beaten
And
then the dark took over
Conquereth his senses
But the questions
never left
He seeketh answers
Why on earth, this sudden trench?
*****
Helplessness
Like
a shadow that never left,
I
wish you were here
I
wish I could see you smile
and
be happy
time
seems tough, hard
nights,
I lay awake
tossing
sides
I
want to complaint
but
can't.
But
it's wrong isn't it?
I
mean I was supposed to party,
enjoy
after a good long time,
and
here I lay
bed
ridden, in pain,
mamma
slogging all the way
to
make me better
no
I didn't want it like this
she
needs rest too
I
can only wish it never happened
but
that won't change anything.
It'll
still be the same
long
days....long nights...
And
you
we
talk we laugh we feel happy and
I
miss you
I
know you do
I
don't know if sorry is the word
maybe
it is
I
created all this ruckus
But
it was never on purpose
I
wanted to party
celebrate
my success
to
tell you that you cleared too
and
it never happened
and
it all ends the same way
helplessness
*****
A Tale of a City and a Heart
It happened
in the town of Delhi
For once, a naive little fellow stepped
in,
Striving by the day
Living the transition
Transition
from walking to running
Running without a moment to look back
And
soon the city embraced him too..
Or so he felt,
He
had someone to rest back upon
Until when, the someone stepped
back
Yes he was falling,
But He had his plans too..
Somebody
opened her arms just in time,
And he was caught...
Embraced and
never allowed to fall,
The city was his again
he had a home
now
And somebody waiting back home...
But the good
times weren't all their to stay
For the nth time in his
life,
Times changed, People changed, Life changed..
People whom
he thought would die than give up on him.
A faith of thirty
full moons,
And then one day,
It all came down the
slide,
Probably, a bit too fast
The home was snatched
The
city again an alien enemy,
But he managed to stand again,
Slowly,
painfully, tears up to the brim
And then he
smiled,
Took life in his face,
Breathed the air around
him
Alone
Opened his eyes to life
Laughing to his own
jokes,
And not regretting it..
Being solo
And not regretting
it
It was different,
He was meeting a person he never
met before, himself
Finding within himself what he sought from
people,
Giving wings to his own desires,
Seeing and believing
the life he wanted for himself
And for once, he
smiled
For he owned the city now..
*****
A Toast
A
toast for the love of life
One,
to the questions that were never answered
And
never will be
Another
to the mystery called love
May
we feel it one day...
To
the tears wept in dark rooms
and
One To the happy times and the happy memories
One
for the relentless efforts
Trying
to understand life
To
loneliness, and all that it taught us
To
the pain we spend our lives fighting
Fearing
it might never leave at all
A
large, to the messes we got ourselves into
And
to the bigger ones created trying to get out
To
pain and those pain laden eyes we never shall forget
And
to mistakes,
They
were fun indeed
One
To the friends,
Those
who stayed and those who left
They'll
always be a part of us
And
One to those laughs
And
the people we shared them with
They
still bring a smile
Another
one, To those dreams and those moments
We
would trade our lives to live again
And
finally the last but never the least
To
the wacky crazy wonderful thing called life
And
to us who muddle through it
Despite
the pains, the messes, the tears and more
May
this crazy weird thing go on
For
if life was a movie
The
least it can be is entertaining
To
US the HEROES of our lives
CHEERS!!
*****
The Present
Times
keep changing,
The
world keeps turning around,
Sitting
in the room of gloom,
The
door was knocked again,
It
was destiny the other side,
She
was back again,
But
not to take someone away, as she always did,
Today
she had brought with herself, You,
You,
with a dazzling smile and a radiant face,
Tada!!!
Leaving
you at my doorstep, she left,
I
welcomed you with a silent smile,
Somehow
not believing, things could turn again,
That
I could be happy again,
But
you, gal, had the power to change it all,
You
turned on the lights,
And
the room was lit,
My
life was lit,
Reality
becoming too good to be real-touchwood,
Making
me wonder, how more perfect could a person
get,
As
if handcrafted by God,
With
every virtue up to the brim,
Every
time you smiled, it was divine,
Every
time you held my hand, I was complete,
And
every time you laughed,
I
could hear the cackle of a baby,
Pure,
innocent yet perfect.
Rising
in love with you was only natural,
I
was in love with you,
Before
I knew I was,Every moment we talked,
Special
and memorable,You became so much a part of
me,
Waiting
for that one call in the day,
When
we would share anything and everything.
Hearing
my name in your voice,
That
feels so good,
I
don't want to hear anything else in the world,
All
these times we tease each other,
All
these times we can't put down the phone,
And
enjoy the silence,
Just
coz I know, it’s you on the other side (and vice
versa)
It
feels like home,
And
if they say, home lies where the heart is,
You
are my home.
My
beautiful love, my lovely partner,
My
greatest friend,
My
cute lil bachha,
I
love you
I
could keep on going on writing,
But
I would never be satisfied,
Coz
no words are beautiful enough,
To
contain your beauty and my (our) love,
I
love you. I do.
*****
The Black Flower
I
thought you loved me,
I always did,
You had convinced me
so,
But now,
As much as I try,
I cannot convince myself
again,
But you, take it from me,
I had loved you,
Maybe I
still love you,
I had fallen into love,
I had committed an
entire life to you,
And you knew it all the way,
I don’t know
what to say,
My heart still believes in that innocent smile of
yours,
It still believes in those dreams we dreamt together,
It
still believes in the truth of your eyes,
Wants to believe that
everything'll be alright,
That you loved me and that,
It was no
fault of yours,
Never wants to say a word against you,
Again
that’s how deeply I love/d you,
,
(i don’t know which one
applies, though I wish the latter did),
I wish you hadn't chosen
me for the prank,
I wish I forget everything as easily as you
did,
And here I was, thinking that you'll be faring worse than I
was,
Funny, isn't it?
But still I cry,
I still
shed tears,
Simply in the timeless memory,
Of the beautiful
times you gave me,
Yeah
I had lived an entire life in those six months,
I cannot
deny,
But didn't we promise to spend our entire
lives,
Together?
Those dreams? Those promises?
That feel of
your hand against mine that completed me?\
I thought, we meant
them,
You did mention about our uncertain future,
And I had
promised to take care of it all,
Alas, I was never even given a
chance,
Maybe I still have a few regrets,
A few unrealized
plans,
I had never thought, my sincere love,
Deserted such a
ruthless, abrupt end,
Where I wasn't even granted our one last
talk,
Yeah I regret a lot of it,
I had seen a perfect partner
in you,
They say I’m acting stupid,
My head does say it’s
time to move on,
The heart questions, Can you really?
Tell me
how do I forget you,
Who's connected to every little element,
every breath
of mine,
I don’t know what lies ahead for
me,
The show called life must go on,
I guess I should just
believe in him and go on,
Go on, not move on,
That might take
some time,
But I won't stop,
Though I still repeat,
It
should not have happened,
Right when I had barely
Learnt to
live without someone,
You came, stayed and then left me with a
fresh new
wound,
Anyways that’s all for me, you have a good
life ahead,
You're a good person.
I can't say I love you
anymore,
But I do have residual love for you in my heart,
That’s
all I can say,
Take care...
*****
The Dream
Hold
my hand,
Take
me into your arms,
Steal
me away from this world...
Steal
me away,
Into
a world meant for us,
Into
a world sans boundaries,
Into
a world of emotions,
Where
our togetherness isn't questioned,
Where
there ain't barriers to our love,
A
place so divine, our home.....
Where
you be greeted by the first ray of sun, every
morning,
And
then my angel smiles, "Good morning",
How
I wish I could pause the time,
And
savor the moment,
Dressed
in the white night suit,
You
look nothing less than my baby princess,
And
then we sit in the porch,
Sipping
our coffee and watching the onset of a new
day,
A
new beginning...
And
that’s how we start every day, together...
Steal
me away,
To
where there's only you and me,
Where
every evening is our first date,
And
then a walk over the beach,
Barefoot,
hands together, Fingers interlocked,
The
stars above smiling over us,
The
loud waves singing only for us,
Midway
I stop, I look into your eyes,
Your
face angelic, under the soft moonlight,
You
shy away, lowering your eyelids,
Making
me want to kiss them right away,
A
hint of smile on your face,
And
I say it again, "I love you, You're the greatest gift
of my
life"
"I
love you too"
We
walk back,
Your
head on my shoulders,
It
feels divine and exotic,
This
feeling of both of us together...
Goodnight love...
And
this is how we end every night, together...
So this is
how it is,
The dream, my dream, our dream,
We shall make it
happen,
For all I know, life is good, when you're around,
For
you're the sole reason for my existence,
All I ever need is you,
My sunshine, My princess, My
angel,
Though I write this,
But
no words can ever contain my love,
And all I can say, is I love
you....
*****
Love?? Really?
You say you
love me,
But
do you really?
Do
you?
The
way you say it,
How
can I deny?
I
know what it is to be abandoned in love...
But
love?? Really?
Do
you realize,
You
talk to a heart,
That
was smashed in love some while ago,
And
shattered into a million pieces,
Each
of them abandoned by this world,
Yes,
I’m ready to move on with life,
Who
doesn't want love in his life?
Who
doesn't want to give love another chance?
But
if only this fear could let go of me,
The
fear, she left me with,
She
who taught me, love hurts,
That
every bit of it hurts,
And
how on earth are you supposed to understand,
That
I. . . . . still love her,
Like
the beautiful remnants of great civilizations,
Like
the dying flames of huge fires,
Like
some ancient mysteries that remain,
Unreasonable,
unjustifiable,
Yeah
I realize,
It
is god's bliss to have someone love you,
But
love?? Really?
Do
you really think I’m the one?
I
know not, what to say,
But
will you be there for me,
When
I’ve lost everything?
Will you hold my hand,
And
intertwine our fingers making me feel cared for?
Will
I be able to look into your eyes,
And
find the same love gleaming?
Will
you love me for what I am,
And
not for what you think I am?
Will
you be able to tolerate my worst tempers,
And
yet love me?
Will
you be the shoulder,
When
I want to cry out the pain?
Will
you pamper me like a li'l kid,
When
I want to be treated like one,
Will
you be my best friend for life?
No,
I’m not putting any conditions to your love,
But
I’m scared, I don't know, what to say,
You
say, you love me,
But
do you really?
Love??
Really?
*****
The Story So Far
As I stand
here,
Silently at the eighteenth milestone of my life,
And look
back at the trail behind me,
I have grown up,
Strangely, I have
indeed,
From the boy of yesterday,
To the lad of
today,
Life has changed, Times have changed, People have
changed,
And yeah I have changed...
But this isn't how I wanted
it to be,
I was never what I am today...
On one of
the chilly mornings of March '99,
With the sun still sleeping,
A
little kid is woken up by his mother,
"Bah!! School again"
he says,
He goes to school, into his second family,
His
friends, and a large one at that,
And, they do what they are
expected to do,
They play all day, they run about in the
corridors,
And indeed have a blast of a time,
And what’s new
about it?
It happens daily....
Loving and living every bit,
every moment of life,
Our hero cries for lost erasers,
And on
teacher's scoldings...
He's scared of his mother, when he hasn't
scored atleast 9 on 10...
But,
he's happy,
His heart is clean of hate,
He's shy yet
confident,
A complete extrovert,
Wouldn't keep a thing in his
stomach,
That’s how it all used to be....
And then
times changed, people changed,
And he changed.
And he was given
better reasons to cry, than lost erasers,
"But things don't
go this bad,
Atleast they didn't in my fairytales"
"Ha
dude, life is no fairyland,
this is how life is"
People
say I’m too pessimistic about life,
I just feel I’ve observed
life silently,
And all I know is,
You are what your times
are,
Your times change, you change,
Nothing stays, feelings,
friendships, love....
Trusting people seems an impossible
feat...
They say I’m addicted to pain,
And I’m
addicted to loneliness,
Well when the pain surpasses all
boundaries,
It just dies out, leaving behind,
A strange relief,
a trance,
At the bottom of the ocean,
There is trance,
You
aren't drowning anymore,
You're just calm and accept it,
And
that is where I am,
Sitting comfy at the bottom of the
ocean...
They say I’m childish,
Come on people,
I’m not
childish,
I’m a child, the hero (at the heart though)...
Times
have changed,
People have changed,
And I too have changed....
*****
Meetings
Stop
holding me back,
Just let me go,
Please don't show me your face
again,
I just wanna go,
Every time I see you,
It becomes all
the tougher for me,
To convince myself
That it’s over,
That
I’ve moved on,
So please stay away from my sight,
And allow
me to re-live my life~
Every time I see you,
I go
blank in head,
The million things I wanna say to you,
The
million questions I wish to ask you,
All erupting all at once,
Why
did you have to do it?
What had it been between us?
Was it
really what we claimed it was?
I look at your
face,
Cold. . . . Stern,
As if I was the culprit,
Why? I
fail to understand,
Despite the million sorrys I begged,
Despite
the million times, I tried to make it up,
I recall,
How you
threw me out of your life,
And my head tells me to turn around,
I
obey,
And then, you are gone,
Inside me, I crib,
What if I
had gone and uttered something,
What to say, I know not. .
Now
when everything is over,
I just remember one thing of all,
I
had loved you,
The most of all,
The most purely of all,
If
only you could have understood,
My love never desired your
presence,
Just a feeling, that you were there,
We could have
been apart forever,
Yet always together,
But you chose it the
other way,
And that was the most ruthless of all,
And that’s
what tells my head,
To stand up for myself, my heart,
And to
hate you and throw you out of my life. .
Now that
everything is over,
I fail to believe, I fail to understand,
Was
it really love between us?
Do I still have love for you in my
heart?
I don't know, and I don't wanna know,
All I know, I
want
,Is to move on,
Every time I see you,
My head
and heart are at war,
So please stay away from my sight,
And
allow me to re-live my life. .
*****
I Still Love You
I’m
yours,
To you, I belong,
Yeah I surrender,
My love never
died,
I tried to veil it though,
But it never ceased to
exist,
It kept nurturing,
Subtle.... Hidden in the veil of
hate,
Coz I wanted to hate you,
To feel strong,
For every
wrong you did to me,
I tried and I tried harder,
To hate you
from the core of my heart,
How cheerful those words sounded,
Move
On,
But maybe it doesn't go that way,
For love, there's no
moving on,
It never happened,
Love conquered hate,
It
doesn't matter if you're mine,
It doesn't matter if you hate
me,
My love will never die out,
Never, till eternity,
Not
even if I want it to,
But such is the might of love,
To
me you were and will always be, the same you,
The you who
understood me the best,
The you who never asked me,
To change
an inch of myself,
The you who's being around,
Made my life
another paradise,
And most of it,
The you who loved
me,
Circumstances cannot dilute love,
I
love,
Because I love,
Because my love is my domain,
Because
you were and will continue to be,
The most special being in the
existence,
And I love with this knowledge,
That we cannot be
together again,
That you won't come back,
But that doesn't
change anything.
Oh yeah I love you,
How much I
cannot tell,
Words are too petite,
To describe what I feel for
you,
But maybe this should give you an idea,
That " I
still love you" ...
*****
The Friendship That Was
I wanna be
your silent friend,
I wanna be there for you,
It does not
matter,
If we meet,
It does not matter,
If we talk,
I
wanna be someone you can come back to,
Sharing your heart out,
And
trust me I’ll be there,
This is our last year together
Or
should I say the last few months together,
And then we do
part,
Our paths diverge into our own worlds,
Your orkut profile
says,
"Agar dekhni hai meri udaan, to aasmaan ko kaho thoda
aur uncha ho jaye"
Soon it'll be time for you and me to fly
unto your seamless horizons,
And then many years ahead on the
timeline,
One day when I look back on time
And recall a
friend,
A really sweet girl,
With an amazing dress sense,
The
best dancing skills I had seen so far,
A mesmerizing smile always
there to dazzle,
A girl who was, Punjabiyat personified,
The
"Don't mess with me" girl
But most importantly a very
dear friend,
Whom I could trust,
Who was always there to
correct me,
A friend who truly matched the definition of a
friend,
And it will be then that you'll return,
As a timeless
memory in the heart,
And a tear rolling down the cheek,
I will
be there for you even then....
Thanks for being there in my
life...
*****
The Journey towards Truth
Alone did I
start,
Unarmed, Unaware,
Uncleared doubts, Unanswered
questions, Unsolved mysteries blotting my mind.
I knew not what
life hath for me,
Framed in the web of my own desires,
And
refusing to come out.
Suffering, yet clinging to the pain,
Not
realising that pain was only a mirage.
My world was dark,
And
the trail, certainly not easy,
I continued fighting the illusive
pain,
Resisting it, neglecting it, still suffering it.
Then I
stumbled,
And I sat down,
" It’s my life after all "
struck me,
Why should I then
Let it fall prey to them?
So
self insufficient? Am I? I wondered.
" I do not really need
them" came the answer,
Ahh! there I was,
Facing the
ultimate truth,
The
dawn had broken,
The secret revealed,
Trust no one except
Him,
Depend on no one except Him,
Renounce the world and the
world is yours
I had escaped the web,
I was free,
A whole
new meaning, life attained,
Sympathies, not my cup of coffee,
I
have not, regrets,
Silence is the melody of my life,
And solace
my sole companion..
*****
Wailing
My heart
wails, my eyes silent, my lips smile.
I was a fool,
To expect
them to see the cries behind those grins,
I was a fool,
To
expect them to understand, to feel,
But it is fine now,
I’ve
learnt what I had to-the harder way,
Happiness is not for
me,
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So He hasn't written it for
me.
But yes its fine now.
I don't really care.
I’m already
dead,
They killed me quite some time back.
My body though,
still survives.
So I seek reasons,
Reasons to fret,
Reasons
to crib,
Reasons to cry,
Reasons to sulk,
I know they say
self pity is bad,
But it doesn't make sense anymore.
I’ve
grown harder, tougher or have I?
My heart never stops grieving for
her.
But it doesn't show anymore
It doesn't matter who's by me
and who's not.
It’s all the same.
She was so right,
We
come alone,
And alone do we go...
I see friendships reduce to
formalities,
I witness relations vanish into thin air,
But it
doesn't matter.
Maybe I just don't deserve a shoulder to cry,
A
lap to lay down tired,
And a soul to share my feelings.
Maybe
I’m destined to be dumped,
To be ditched,
To be USED and
THROWN.
So its fine.
I take it.
I won't smile,
I won't
rejoice.
I'll cry alone,
I'll sulk alone,
I won't seek the
shoulder, the lap or the soul,
I'll survive my days all
alone,
Yes, it’s my self imposed punishment,
But so
what?
I'll punish myself with all I can.
No it doesn't bother
me.
What you did was a lot more painful.
But I don't blame
you.
I deserve it.
I’m the most unworthy being on the
earth.
So I got my dues.
My tears are worthless,
My feelings
my pains unimportant.
I’m the biggest loser of all,
I’ve
lost it all,
My love....my friendships,
I’ve lost it
all.
What an idiot I was,
I always thought my friends were my
strength, my world, my life,
I used to wonder how can I be
alone,
Life clearly showed me how.
I’ve lost it all.
My
love....my friendships.....
I’ve lost it all.
What an idiot I
was,
I always thought my friends were my strength, my world, my
life,
I used to wonder how can I be alone,
Life clearly showed
me how.
I’ve lost it all.
My love, my elixir,
She had
promised, I’ll be by you like the stars wid the moon,
I fell for
her promise,
Only to be left alone
.It’s all gone, over,
finished.
Everyone's happy and content but for me.
I continue
to suffer my pains,
Again and yet again.
I’m dead ,
But My
corpse survives.
It will soon succumb to the ultimate silence,
The
eternal sleep,
And maybe I’ll ask Him,
Why was I not allowed
to smile?
*****
Abandoned Sadness
Curtains
have been raised again,
Windows again opened,
Winds have gushed
in,
It’s a new breeze, The breeze of life,
Singing and
humming move on.
Life awaits me, it never stagnates,
Every day
is bright,
Every night starlit,
When I wake up in the
morning,
Life gives me two choices,
Smile in the present, or
wail for the past,
And what do you think I do, I choose to be
happy,
The nature rejoices my joy,
The sun smiles at me,
The
winds hum my happy little tune,
The little nightingales sing for
me every morning,
i believe in me ,
I’m a different soul,
I’m
the favorite child of god,
He loves me the most, So Why,
should
I expect from those around me,
They have nothing to give,
I
give them all my love, but
I’m never alone,
I’m my own best
friend,
I’m my own lover, This, life taught me,
Life is a
strange teacher,
The teacher teaches and tests,
But life tests
and teaches.
It
said, you're bored
Coz you're bored of yourself.
But no
more.
This world is inviting me,
Come! Conquer!!
My
pleasure, my joy
Is not attached to an element,
To a being,
To
a desire,
It’s true, eternal and exotic .
Thank you god,
For
bestowing life, upon my carcass
Thank you god,
For teaching me
all those lessons,
Thank you....thank you....
*****
The First Blow
I
always thought,
Friendship is a silent promise
that
said,
Wherever you are,
However you are,
I'll be
there,
Waiting for you,
No matter how broken you are,
You'll
have a shoulder to rest on....
Alas!! I was wrong
Alas!!! I was
terribly wrong
Not that my friends haven't ditched me before,
I’ve
had numerous examples,
But the grief
That you said that...
Not
that it wasn't expected of you,
The person you are,
But what
hurts,
You failed to see my pain,
Though you've suffered it for
yourself,
Maybe you're right,
Maybe I’m
wrong,
Maybe I was expecting a bit too much,
Maybe I’ve
bothered you
more than I should have,
But you should have
known,
That I was in pain,
Deeper than ever,
Painfull than
ever,
I do not say we aren't friends anymore,
Nor do I
undervalue our beautiful relation,
But you must know,
You were
wrong,
I needed you too much
I do not know,
why you did
it,
Anyways as always,
You be happy,
Rest assured I’m
fine,
Or am I ???
I lost her long ago
maybe its destined
so,
Maybe there's a need,
For the curtains to fall,
For the
doors to close,
For me to spend a few quiet moments with
myself,
With my feelings
And my self....
*****
A Closed Chapter
I miss the
tears i wept for you,
I miss the smiles i smiled with you,
I
miss the feel of your fingers against mine,
That one last time,
I
miss the lies you lied to me,
I miss the pains you gave me,
I
miss the fears of losing you,
I miss the love i had for you,
But
not with a tinge of repent,
Not the slightest one,
Not that i
want you back into my life,
You're not welcome,
Maybe i was
just too good for you,
Maybe you got what you deserved,
Maybe
my love for you was far more,
Than you could take,
If only you
hadn't played wid lives,
But that does not matter now,
I hear
people saying true love doesn't have an ending,
I can bet mine
was no less,
But yeah I’ve ended it long ago,
And happily
so,
You're simply non existent to me,
Or maybe just another
chapter,
In the book of my life,
A closed chapter....
*****
Waves
I’m
happy,
I’m sad,
I’m happy coz life's finally on track,
the
world's good to me,
I’m good to the world,
I’m enjoying my
life,
I’m enjoying it mono,
But then there's
something missing,
i don't what it is,
but I feel its
absence,
there's something that questions,
Why are you
happy?,
and sends me back into a terrible low,
i know my
faith,
i know how I works,
i know the secret to happiness,
but
don't know why it isn't working anymore,
I’m happy for a
moment,
and question my happiness the next,
i laugh one moment
and go yet in eyes the next,
not that I want
to be sad,
but somehow I just can't escape it,
a single seed of
pessimism,
multiplies many-folds,
into an entire aura of
pessimism around me,
and then everything goes wrong,
i so want
to get out of here,
but it turns out to be futile,
i do know
that my griefs are illogical,
but nothing helps at the moment,
the
negativity is hovering over me,
everybody seems against me,
my
faith dwindles, my trust waivers,
i doubt every friend,
every
logic has ceased,
tears, my only loyal companions,
i live a
life of lies,
lying to myself that all's well,
maybe its not,
maybe it is,
i relive my childhood, seeking solace, seeking
low,
vain, the joy is transient,
i wish to pray,
but I’m
so self occupied,
so I take out this moment,
to kneel before
Thee,
i know You love me,
i know I’m cared for,
but please
help me out of this,
my life's my own,
let it remain mine,
let
me not be controlled,
bless me, guide me, be my teacher,
i
kneel before Thee.....
*****
Behind the Closed Doors
Behind the
closed doors,
behind the fallen eyelashes,
i find myself in
lows again,
every tremor seems disastrous,
i feel lost,
i
thought I had escaped it,
i find myself in the same web.....yet
again,
i shouldn't have let myself go,
i shouldn't have fallen
this time,
alas..!!!! I did,
why did it all have to
happen,
maybe to jerk me that there's still a lot unknown in
life,
you haven't seen it all yet,
thats right, I haven't seen
it all,
but how badly I wish to get out of here,
to fly
free,....to fly alone.
to taste the platonic elixir,
sans
dependence,
sans attachments,
sans expectations,
to.....where
there's true pleasure,
but all that seems all too far
now,
i feel lonely, I feel helpless,
i am sinking....deeper and
yet deeper...,
there's no calm,unrest prevails,
there's no
peace, fear prevails,
time moved on,
i was left behind
greiving,
there's an aura of pessimism, as if nothing is
right,
life never seemed more meaningless,
death more
desirable, .......
until now,
i hate myself for
giving up my golden principles,
i hate myself for getting
emotional,
i hate myself for apologising so badly,
when I
wasn't wrong an inch,
what do I get in
return?
ignorance,
formalities,
and a long lasting fear of
emotional exposure,
bad deal, beleive me.
yet I want
to come out again,
into the free airs, into the infinite
skies,
yet I want to fight it again coz...,
somewhere deep down
I beleive,
there's a silver lining to my dark horizon,
all I
need is strength. the strength of soul,
O mighty cosmos!!
grant
me the strength to bear what you put up for me.........
if
only 22/5 hadn't occured at all.....
*****
No Man’s Land
Ushering
in, the new year
Witnessing how the dates just changed
An
ordinary night to many
And I do fly once again
To the distant
lands at the first ray of sun
But I wish not for this night to
cease
I wish not, to go
My life’s no flowery here
either
The mood, that of melancholy
But then what stops me from
flying away?
Why my bed, my pillow my folks are so hard to
leave?
I always wanted to fly didn’t I?
Dreamt of a life
of long flights
And so I lived indeed
Flying, soaring far and
wide
Seeing colors through the kaleidoscope of life
But
then
What makes me wish
that this night stretch on a little
longer..
that maybe this life is still a little more cozy
than
the one out there!
The year that just left
Took
with it those unfinished stories
Crippled dreams, curbed
desires
I’m skeptical about the one coming by tomorro
Yeah
tomorrow
and not right now
right now, is the gap between
the two
The no man’s land
And that’s exactly where I
stand
And I don’t, want to come out
Not that I have a
choice
But tomorrow will again start
With the same
reality
Just another day
New problems new struggles
The
rushes, the messes
The loneliness the pain
But this
gap between
It feels different
Thoughts come and depart
But
I feel not, a thing
Just observe them silently
Like hanging in
that brief moment of time
Right before the break of dawn
When
the nature is at its most beautiful
And most silent
The last
traces of bright stars
The first signs of the brighter
sun
Breathing in, that air
What’s gone is
bygone
What’s to arrive in a moment,
Inevitable
But it’s
the moment!
Oblivious to both
Tranquil
I wish not
for this night to cease
###
Hey guys, now that you,ve completed reading mybook, and I do hope you liked it, any feedback on my works will be most welcome. Feel free to hit me on rawllley.nishant@yahoo.com
-Nishant
Rawlley
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